King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
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Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Optional boss fight.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Breaking news:
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.