Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
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The Weeknd is back
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?