ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
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“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
#Caturday
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.