Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
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Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off