If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
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If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.