Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
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Lmao
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
g
a
r
d
e
n
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.