“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
White parent Vs Arab parents
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM