judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
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IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
ouch
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.