These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
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god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
The funk soul brother
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.