I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
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I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”