I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
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It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
The prophecy is fulfilled
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.