*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
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[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Anyone really
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
drew a comic about my origin story
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.