I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
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To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not