If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
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My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child