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Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…