The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
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If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.