RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
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My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Only Americans understand
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”