I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
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Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Not recommended for beginners.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
The Sun
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours