Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
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an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.