We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
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It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired