It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
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Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.