I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
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ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude