blocked.
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guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
is this meant to deter me
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]