I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
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Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.