Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
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Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions