Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
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Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.