If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
You Might Also Like
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.