Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
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cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.