This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
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Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.