Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
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Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Science memes
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
No, YOUR illiterate.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
The Assassin.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.