God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
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Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP