Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
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Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
#damn
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.