mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
You Might Also Like
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
My whole life was a lie.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
bought wrong eggs
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.