[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
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Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Knock Knock
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter