I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
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he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
The little toadstool has spoken.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying