Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
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Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*