[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
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[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”