I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
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Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Worlds greatest photobomb
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.