Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
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Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
the composer