Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
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me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Lmao 🤣
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”