Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
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Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
this isn’t threatening at all
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*