Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
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DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.