“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
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The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??