You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
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Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Pretty much. 🤣
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.