First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
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My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…