I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
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My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
A little too much information.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine