Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
im 7 sauces long
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic