Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
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My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
checking out some reviews of my local library
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long