NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
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trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year