Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
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The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.